This is one of a number of poems written to be performed at Slam poetry competitions.
Christopher D'Winter met
His sweetheart on the Internet
In a chat room for the lonely and the bored.
From the sexy JPEG coded
Image files which she uploaded
He could tell she was a girl to be adored.
Yes, she was his ideal female
So he sent his love an email
To suggest, perhaps, the two of them could meet.
And knowing what this match meant
He included an attachment
Which he hoped would sweep the lady off her feet.
But his hair looked much too thin
And he had an extra chin
So to make the photos really come alive
He repaired the faulty pics
With some skilful drags and clicks
And the help of Photo Touch-up, Version Five.
They arranged to meet for tea
In Dino’s Caf’ at half past three
And our Christopher was there quite bright and early.
When the clock above the door
Had advanced to half past four
His demeanour had become a little surly.
'Hi, have you been stood up too?
It’s an awful thing to do.'
The voice came from a table just behind
'I was waiting for my beau
But alas he didn’t show.
Shall I join you for a cuppa? Would you mind?'
'Here’s his photo, can you see?'
Then Chris gasped - 'Good Lord! That’s me!
So you must be... Well, well, well I never guessed.
That old snap was really bad.
It made me look like just my dad
So I changed it - only slightly - for the best.'
'Oh. Well I did that as well
Though I thought you’d never tell
It was just the image didn’t look quite right
Though the camera never lies
It exaggerates my thighs
So I air-brushed out the excess cellulite.'
Well after that, confessions over,
Our two lovers were in clover
And they chatted on ‘til Dino’s had to close.
They discussed their favourite web sites
Their computer size in meg’bytes
And the theory of compression ratios.
With so many interests shared,
’Bout those photos neither cared
For they each had found the partner of their dreams.
If your characters just gel
Then you don’t need looks as well
And in Cyber-space - well nothing’s as it seems.